It's nearly been 4 months since my operation to remove my Molar Pregnancy, and my god have things changed since then.
Every month i receive a box in the post to take a urine and blood sample to send off to Charing Cross Hospital in London so they can monitor my HCG levels, if they stay high for too long it normally means the Molar Pregnancy has progressed towards something more serious, for example the Choricarcinocoma. (The Cancer previously explained in my last Blog Update)
Luckily for me, my results have been normal since they began, and all i have to do is go to my doctors for another 3 months and hopefully I will be given the all clear and the go ahead to try again, if i choose to, which at the moment will not be happening..
But its the constant reminder when you see that box and go for that test that makes you remember what could have been, where my life could be right now. If things had gone normal i would be 31 weeks (minimum) pregnant, not in work or college just trying to work things out to make my baby have the best possible life i could provide. But thats not the case, since my Molar Pregnany I have had a huge incentive to make the best of my life and my youth.
Don't get me wrong i would do anything to have my baby bump, and baby, back. But time heals that for me, because the longer it is since that day the more i realise that life does get better.
I have found an amazing support group on Facebook (again mentioned in my last post at the end) that is a pretty awesome community of girls and women who come together to support one another through the loss of their baby or pregnancy due to this rare Trophoblastic Disease. The support we all recieve is amazing and it reminds you that you really arent alone, and that while it is rare to have this form of pregnancy, you're not the only one out there. It also gives you the incentive to try and help others not to be afraid to step forwards and speak. And while we cry and mourn the losses we have, we celebrate the lives that have been created since, we celebrate the day someone is told their levels are normal, or that their chemotherapy can stop.
Since my Molar Pregnancy life has really looked up for me, because while i mourn my loss, and help other women of all ages who are going through what I have been through, and in some cases worse, I'm getting on with my life.
I have a job where within 1 month i was promoted to Supervisor, and I'm at college doing an amazing course (Level 3 Extended Diploma in Sport and Exercise Science). With new friends, old friends and meeting different people everyday, time does slowly heal that gaping hole i once had.
I know i will never forget the day I found out I'd lost my pregnancy, or that i had to hold onto my Auntie because i felt like i couldnt function while she tried re explaining to me what was happening and calming me down as i had huge panic attacks in the doctors room when they explained the operation to me. I will never forget my grandad literally carrying me from my Aunts car to her house because i just couldnt talk, speak or bare to move. Nor will i ever forget asking my older cousin to come to the hospital because i needed him to be there with my auntie when i woke up. (My mom was in Greece when all this happened and I didn't want my dad to see me in such a state at the hospital so told him to work.) I understand i will never forget the dark memories, but i understand that time heals, and what is meant to be will be. It wasnt my time to have a baby, something out there knew i wasnt ready to be a mom, but i know one day i will be..
Seeing the success stories of the other women who have been through this "Quirk of Human Nature" boosts me a long this path of healing and recovery. It gives me hope, and that is what everyone who has been through this needs. They need to have hope that one day when the times is right you'll have that new life to raise and love and care for.
This blog doesnt really have a huge message like my last one, its just a few things i wanted to say, to speak about and to share my sort of success health wise regarding this quirk of human nature..
And also I want to include a thank you note:
Thank you to my amazing Aunt who was by my side the entire time during my Miscarriage of my Molar Pregnancy, she was so strong for me and held me together so much, words will never cover how much you mean to me and how much i love you for what you did.
I want to thank my older cousin for coming to the hospital at such last minute to hold my hand before my operation, to make me smile and talk when all i wanted to do was shut off. I love you with all my heart, and the Chilli Doritos hit the spot perfectly.
Thank you to my Grandad, for turning up as soon as i found out, and holding me as i cried. Not a day goes by where I don't remember that moment, You're my hero and best friend.
Thank you to my wonderful parents who have been there for me, through the moodswings, the anger, the tears the sickness and the desperation. I seriously couldnt ask for any better.
Then theres my family and friends, the support you have all given me has been amazing, I cant thank you all enough, but you all know i love you and cherish each and everyone of you.
This world we live in is a strange one, each day someone out there is given awful news, while others are given the best news in the world. Life is rare, its something special that needs to be treasured. And while it has its bad moments. It also has its good moments. Hold onto those good moments and never let them go whether theyre in the past or yet to come, hold onto them. And don't forget the bad moments either because they are what makes each and everyone of us stronger.
Life is shit at times, but it doesnt mean its not amazing or special. It doesnt take away from the miracle you are just by standing there breathing. You are here for a reason, we all are. Things happen for a reason, the good and the bad. You just have to keep on plodding through life.
With much Love as always, i finish another blog. I hope you are well and life is treating you well, and if it isnt dont be afraid to leave a comment for me to contact you. And if you've gone through something similar or know someone who has remember help is out there..
I'll Write Soon, Promise
SONG OF THE DAY: I SEE FIRE by ED SHEERAN
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Don't Be Afraid Of Your Fears, They're Not There To Scare You. They're There To Let You Know That Something Is Worth It" - C. Joybell C