Anyyyywaaaayyyyy back to my point. Sometimes life knocks you on your ass more than once in a really short amount of time, and you just have deal with it. But you also have to smile, or at least that's what i have to do.
Why I'm writing this blog...
Okay, so. Over a month ago I found out i was pregnant. For a second time. For those close to me they knew how utterly screwed i felt and how panicked i felt. My first pregnancy had ended in a pretty shitty way, for those of you who are new here (welcome!), i had a molar pregnancy a form of miscarriage that leaves you confused, scared and with months of blood and urine tests to ensure you don't get a form of cancer that can come from any remainder cells of that pregnancy. See...? shitty.
But yeah, i was pregnant so while i was terrified this could have been another molar pregnancy and making the plans for what i would do about University. My mind betrayed my sense and started thinking of baby names, imagining my life with a successful and healthy pregnancy, a little baby, a first smile. ALL of that stuff. So with all those wonderful thoughts in my head my only concerns were that my baby was going to be okay, and it was in fact going to be a baby and not a tumour/molar/blob of cells that weren't going to develop. What was not on my radar at all, was an Ectopic Pregnancy.
So life had thrown me the curve ball of being pregnant, but i dealt with it, i smiled, i cried, i made plans. I was ready for a second time to be a Mom and do all those Mothery things. BUT life threw me another curve ball. And i tell you what, it truly did knock me onto my ass for 3 weeks... of bed rest.
I'm not going to go into great deal about what happened, because this post is not all about my second (failed) pregnancy, and i'll be honest i don't want to.. But here it goes:
Sunday 7th August - I started to bleed and pass a few clots. A&E told me there was nothing to worry about and i just needed to rest. The bleeding stopped after a few hours and we put it down to attachment bleed or spotting. Hope was built up again.
Tuesday 9th August - I go for a Scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit, nothing shows up. There's a mass in my left tube. My bloods HCG level indicate I'm pregnant. I'm told its Ectopic and readied for Surgery. After hours of crying with my mom, the consultant came to tell me they think there is still hope and i need to go back for regular blood tests. I could still have a healthy baby, yay! So rocking a killer headache i went home.
Thursday 11th August - My bloods dropped from 860 to approx 840. I start looking for other explanations, such as vanishing twin syndrome. I'm still hopeful.
Saturday 13th August - My bloods dropped to 790, I'm starting to give up hope. But something keeps telling me I'm fine, maybe its just a blip?
Monday 15th August - Another scan, still nothing to show. The mass on my left tube appears to still be there. I'm left on a ward with my mom battling with my emotions and trying to come up with a positive spin. We played I Spy for about 2 hours. My bloods increased to 890 which made my heart leap for joy. But the consultant said it wasn't enough and gave me the heart wrenching news my pregnancy was definitely Ectopic and she wanted to give me the Methotrexate Injection instead of putting me through surgery, while it was a better option, i have never experienced so much pain through an injection but I'm not going to go into details. My pregnancy was going to be over, i was not going to have a baby.
So there it is, a week of roller coaster emotions, heart break, hope, self doubt and most annoyingly. The development of my needle phobia. I am 20 years old and i now need my mom or dad in the room with me when i have my bloods taken because my brain goes into ultimate panic mode. The following weeks after my injection have been pretty rough. I once cried because i was having to walk around like an old lady and it took me forever to get up the stairs (10 whole minutes). My mood flips from laughing to suddenly hating the world. I was worried i would lose my hair from the injection, I've not been allowed in the Sun because i could burn easier. My immune system has lowered and i was still at risk of my tubes rupturing.
If i am perfectly honest with you even now, just over 2 weeks since my injection, i only have more energy than normal because ive drank an orange lucozade. I would also be saying this was the first day i haven't cried, if i hadn't watched Me, Earl and the Dying Girl this afternoon and cried like a baby.
I'm healing, my bloods have dropped all the way down to 56, my body is getting stronger, my appetite is returning and I've made plans for University in a few weeks time.
Okay so, the reason I've wrote this blog, is:
1. To raise more awareness on miscarriages, molar pregnancies and now ectopic pregnancies and offer support to all of the amazing women and men who have either lost a baby through these quirks of human nature, or know someone who has.
2. Because i want to tell you how important it is to smile. I've started to believe that life has these quirks and throw us these curve balls to remind us how good it is to smile, and how important that smile is. My heart had been ripped in half on that Monday and i could have easily slipped into Depression as i stared into nothingness sat on a Hospital bed in pain, but my mom sighed and said "I spy with my little eye something beginning with..." and despite everything i was going through i couldn't help the silly little smile that came to my face or the chuckle as i gave in and started to play.
I could have easily ignored the accidental call from my Co Specialist at Summer Camp (where i worked all Summer in America) after i accidently pocket dialed her, because i was in such a terrible mood. But i didnt, i answered and we had a small 10 minute chat and i laughed so hard, my face hurt from smiling. And i felt good. Really good.
Since i lost my first pregnancy, i could have given up and let grief engulf the rest of my life. But i learnt to smile and laugh again. It was hard but i did it. Life picked back on up, and i finished College with 3 Distinction Star grades and got my place into my dream University to study Sport in Secondary Years, I was invited to Buckingham Palace to receive my Gold DofE Award. I worked a Second Summer at Camp Allyn Ohio, and made even more amazing friends. I became pregnant for a second time and experienced all that excitement, but then the heart break of losing that pregnancy.
A Needle of Happiness in a Hay Stack of Shittiness
Despite the crap I've felt over the past few weeks, I've found its important to smile. And that no matter how terrible that curve ball is that life may (or may not,) throw at you, you can still smile. There's still somewhere in you that needs to be fed happiness and not be drowned by sadness. I feel that when people go through these things, they don't know how they should feel. Should we feel guilty for smiling and laughing when we have just lost a child? My answer, No. We all need to smile,
I read a beautiful article (i'm sorry i cant remember the name or who wrote it) but it was about how Buddhists or those who follow some of the teachings of Buddhism deal with miscarriage and there was a quote in it that made me feel really really good and brought a smile to my face.
"She was a Mother from the moment the universal light settled briefly within her."
For me this gave me a reason to smile through my grief and sadness, because that little cluster of cells from my Molar Pregnancy AND my Ectopic Pregnancy made me a Mother. While i don't have a baby bump and i don't have a child to show for that, it doesn't matter. I was and am still a Mom, and that's a reason to smile. I'm a mother of those memories, of those cravings, feelings, mood swings and body changes. And that's only 1 in a huge list of reasons to smile.
I've learnt that sure life can knock you down, but I've learnt the best way to defeat guilt, sadness and negativity is by being positive and smiling. It might seem obvious, but trust me when you feel like you're worlds been shattered around you, the thought of smiling feels like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. But just like finding a needle in a hay stack, its not impossible, it is with a lot of time, energy and effort and POSITIVITY (see what i did there?) very possible.
I love my life, even with the shitty parts, because i doubt i would be this positive, this strong and this confident as a human being, if i hadn't gone through the heart break, fear and character building I've been through, especially over the past 2 or 3 years.
I want to also point out, that my mom and dad have helped me grow a lot through these horrible situations i have been put in despite how horrible it must be for them to experience their child go through such horrible things. I want to thank my mom for coming with me to every blood test I've needed to have since, and being so supportive. See, if that's not ANOTHER needle of happiness in my haystack of shittiness i don' know what is.
Trying to finish this blog...
I hope this blog makes sense, and you can take something away from this blog (even if its googling what Methotrexate is) because it means a message of some form is being sent out to you.
I want you to smile, i want you to find small things that may be stupid but they make you smile. Play I Spy the next time you're out shopping, its a great game, and i promise you'll smile. I want you to remember that no matter how shitty you may feel at times, and how unfair your life may seem, (we've all experienced and will experience this again at some point) you should still smile. You should still keep that little flame of happiness glowing. And if you see that someone feels down, or looks sad, be there for them and help remind them that the little needle of happiness that's been lost in the hay stack of sadness/anger/depression can still be found. Hey if you use a needle in the hay stack metaphor for that, they might just crack a smile because of how crazy you might sound.
Keep smiling guys, i love you all dearly. Even the people who might not know who i am because this is a public blog and can be found by anyonnneeeeee, i want you to know that for whatever reason it is you found my blog, remember to smile and that this crazy British girl is sending some love your way.
Until next time, and i promise one day i'll start writing blogs more frequently
Hayley Kati x
"No matter how tired i am, how bad my skin is right now, how crappy my body has been, i still have reasons to smile. And boy, does this smile make me feel good!" - Me
Song of the Day - Not Alone by Starkid (from A Very Potter Musical)
If you have been through a miscarriage (of any kind) or know someone who has, here are some links that you may find helpful. Or leave a comment and i'll get back to you!
The Miscarriage Association
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust